My liver just broke up with me...
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
