There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Randomize
