She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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