So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
3 2 1 whiskey
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
