so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
