On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
