I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
