My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize