I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
