I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you win again, gameday.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
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