So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
