so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
