i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
