The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
