my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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