Redeem this text for a blowjob
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
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