On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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