I'm pants shitting drunk right now
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
