i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
