I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
