Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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