Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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