That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
meet me or not, i'm out of control
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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