i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
