Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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