My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
