The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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