I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I need a burrito and a hug.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Randomize
