well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
