I smell stomach acid.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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