Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
