I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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