I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
