I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
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