I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
