so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
