if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
