Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
