Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Don't EVER smell your tampon
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
