one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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