Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Randomize
