I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
