The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize