My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
