Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
