I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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