My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
