u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
