I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
