11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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