I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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