I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize