put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
