I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
we're so committed to being not committed
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
