I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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