1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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