You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I have feelings that need drinking.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
