Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
