My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
