I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
