her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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