I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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