You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
