oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
pray to the hookup gods
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
