I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
