i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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